Approximately 22,000,000 minutes ago my mother died.
I have felt angry that she died for most of this time, angry, betrayed, abandoned. I am trying to reconcile those feelings with the reality of the situation and I am certain she didn’t want to die – it was an aneurysm that killed her. She didn’t leave us, I wasn’t betrayed or abandoned – so where did those emotions come from in me?
My father struggled his way through University alone, married his sweetheart, she bore him three children, she died. I am sure he felt betrayed by life; and probably he did the best that he could with the information and resources he had but the desperation he felt made it into the language we heard.
Those emotions I have carried for 42 years are not mine, they are his. The anger and fear of abandonment that I have worn like a crown of thorns were learned emotions not related to my reality at all. So i decided today that I’m going to stop remembering this date and celebrate my Mother in other ways.
I love you Mum, I miss you still but now I know you didn’t leave on purpose, I know it wasn’t that. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to realize. But here I am now.